You’re meant to be a local paper

Posted: September 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

Saw a newspaper article that well and truly boiled my piss today. From the Northern Echo, one of these gypsies from down south who is facing eviction was basically kicking off about the fact her son had Down’s syndrome and they cant be evicted.

 
OK, number 1. You pay no taxes and you expect to abuse the system for your ill child that other people pay for (I accept that the child does need medical attention. Solution for this, dont be a gyppo.)

 
Number 2. Being evicted from one place isnt going to kill him, you’ll only go and sponge from some other place, man up and get the fuck out.

 
Number 3. Your community is called travellers, DO SOME FUCKING TRAVELLING! You complain about being moved on, I thought this was the whole point.

 

Number 4. This newspaper is meant to be a local paper. Why am I reading about these inconsiderate arseholes living at the other end of the country.

 

Number 5. Stop shagging your brother for fucks sake.

Its been a long long while since I updated this blog, the reason being a combination of working non-stop and the fact I’ve never felt compelled to write about anything. That has now changed, I’m still as busy, I just feel as though I need to write about this (I’m well aware no ones reading, but I have no mates anyway so who gives a shit). Saw something in the papers this week, and when I say saw something I mean nearly smashed up the local newsagents after seeing this on the front page….

The most important news story in the world.....apparently

I love how The Sun puts ‘World Exclusive’ next to it. Of course its a world exclusive, no one else gives a fuck.

Ok, lets just put this into perspective for one minute. Here are some alternative headlines/stories that this particular newspaper could have ran this day.

  • Hundreds dead in Libya as battle continues
  • Tension grown between US and Pakistan over terrorism
  • Anything to do with the continuing struggle of the Japanese in wake of the Tsunami
  • Justin Biebers bollocks have dropped (Im joking of course…..they still havn’t)

Im sure the lovely headline writers at The Sun thought about putting a meaningful story on their front page, but some moron decided to go with “Father of missing child couldnt get his end away”. When did stories like this become ‘news’? Next I’ll be reading that the bloke down the road hasn’t had a shit for the past few days and he thinks that kebab from saturday night has blocked his arse up. Its just a load of nonsense that means nothing to anyone except poor Gerry, and his massive swollen testicles waiting to explode through lack of sex.

Too much time on your hands? Write a book

Now it turns out Kate McCann has wrote a book to apparently “revive the hunt for Madeleine”. Really? Because if being in the papers every day of the fucking week doesnt already do it, writing a book that no one is going to buy is going to be pissing into the wind. And one wonders where the money is going from the sales of this book? The Maddy fund, perhaps? Thats what they’ll tell everyone of course.

According to The Telegraph “Each year, 275,000 Britons disappear”, so what makes this instance so special. Maybe its because other people choose to fight the good fight and just get on with it. Lets get something straight here, most people would agree that its terrible for a family to lose a child, but I’m almost certain these people would have had more success if they hadn’t been so hell-bent on being in the papers all the sodding time. Just get on with it.

Lest we forget that the reason this child is missing in the fist place is through careless parenting. What gives these 2 the right to have so much exposure. Quite frankly, they can fuck off for all I care.

Peace out.

Having just attended Leeds Festival (it was immense by the way), and having watched many programmes on the subject of the all time ultimate band line up, I have decided to share with the world the actual best band line up in the world, because the tv shows are all wrong, and I am right.

This will be a 100% accurate view of the best band in the world, being a top band promoter I feel I’m adequately qualified to do so. No, that’s a lie, I work at Sainsbury’s but that will have to do. We need to find ourselves a Frontman, Bassist, Guitarist and of course, a Drummer.

We might as well start off with the Bassist, gets the boring one out of the way first.

The bassist I have chosen for the ultimate band is………….Flea from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. It’s a boring choice in the fact that everyone has him in the ultimate lineup but I cant actually remember many other bassists who catch the eye and stick in your mind.

Flea in his dirty skid-mark ridden Y fronts, lovely chap.

Next we need a drummer, and for me this was probably the most difficult category, I can think of some amazing drummers who I would liked to have had in. Im thinking Dave Grohl, Keith Moon, John Bonham, even that one armed dude out of Def Leppard (obviously he would be no good, this is an able bodied band only, how on earth would he hold both my pints while I go for a slash, not gonna happen mate). My choice was almost killed in a plane crash not so long ago, a slightly biased choice but having seen him play twice I was totally amazed by him. It’s………………Travis Barker.

Go on my son

Guitarist next, and again, there were stacks to choose from. Any one from the list of Slash, Jimmy Page, Hendrix, John Frusciante and Eric Clapton could have easily been chosen. In the end I did an eenie meenie and ended up with our guitarist………………..Pete Townshend.

Camp as christmas

And finally the frontman. For me, everytime somone tries to copy a song by Queen, people always say “well they’re not as good as Freddie”. So for that reason the frontman is………..Freddie Mercury.

Of course who could have a band without some roadies, mainly chosen for the rest of the lads to give ‘one’ to, for this reason I can only be the human spunk bucket that is………Paris Hilton, you slaaaaaaaaaaaaag. And not forgetting promiscuous gay baldies Right Said Fred, fittingly named for Mercury to have his way with.

And that, ladies and gents, is the best band ever, full stop.

Next time, I’ll be drafting the greatest ever 4 man Wrestling stable in a throwback to my childhood, only after I’ve raged in an actual serious blog post about the UK’s crooked politics and society, deep stuff.

Peace.

There’s a certain craze sweeping the nation lately, and it goes by the name of chat roulette. How can I describe this website in a way that everyone understands? How about….. Pervy webcam chat where you are guaranteed to see a man whacking himself off on a webcam who no doubt will have already bumped into another man who is also having a palm shandy therefore making him a gay for the few seconds that this encounter occurs before one party furiously clicks the next button hoping to land on a female who will reveal her body parts but then says no and clicks next leaving our unfortunate chap looking at another man wanking over his computer screen…..and breathe. To condense this down its basically full of weird blokes but it is a lot of fun. Even more fun when you can pose as a girl and push the boundaries of what weird things you can get a desperate person to do. So if you haven’t already been on chat roulette I suggest you have a look at it. There is a chance that it will scar you for life, so let these images decide whether chat roulette is right for you. Thanks go to Gavin for being an expert in pretending to be a woman, something which is very concerning.

First we have a man who wouldnt kiss a toaster, but would suck a telephone, Jesus.

This is a man sucking on a telephone, lovely

Next we have a strangler, sweet mother of God.

Issues maybe?

Did anyone order Gary Glitter sucking on a Tv remote. No? Didnt think so.

Thanks Gaz

And finally my personal favourite, a man, stood on a chair, looking through his legs at the webcam. Yeah I pretty much love chat roulette.

Cornhole inspector

Ok there you go. I know fine well your going into google and searching for chat roulette because you know its going to be fun. To save you the hassle, here’s the link http://www.chatroulette.com

Enjoy!

I’ve been thinking…

Posted: August 21, 2009 in Uncategorized

I dont want to do back-to-back cricket related posts but I cant help but feel that Graeme Swann (England cricketer) looks like a slimmer younger version of the man with the limp dick on the advert for erectile dysfunction. See for yourself below…

Floppy cock

Floppy cock

England spinner Swann, but older and fatter

England spinner Swann

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Another lookalike that has been discussed the world over, and one of the more accepted lookalikes is this one below. An old favourite I must admit but still a favourite amongst the masses.
Karl Pilkington

Karl Pilkington

A fucking orange

A fucking orange

 
Well they say that good things come in threes so ill hurl another one your way. Both are hated the world over, both evil men, both dead…oh wait no, one of thems still alive, at the moment anyway. They were both quite good at what they did though, and raised the bar for football and dictatorship respectively….have a butchers below.
Dick tator...Hussein

Dick tator...Hussein

Au revoir...Cantona

Au revoir...Cantona

 

Starting this Thursday England will have a chance at regaining the ashes from the horrible convict Australians. These useless prisoners turned up at Cardiff and gave us a spanking really, though we managed to salvage a draw. The momentum then shifted England’s way at Lords and to some extent at Edgbaston, but now we’ve done what we always do and turned shite all of a sudden. The middle order which cant bat to save their lives along are the main contributor to this. However, we still only need this last match, sounds simple doesnt it.

Ah, but here’s the thing its not the English cricket team’s way to do things simply. I suspect that it will be a repeat of Headingly. Our middle order has been “bolstered” by uncapped, inexperience South African (yes another one) Jonathan Trott, who appears to be in good nick on the county circuit. But then so does Ian Bell, and as soon as he pulls on his England whites he morphs into a man who couldn’t hit the ball if he was batting with a surfboard.

England's South African. Confused??

England's South African. Confused??

Even if the miraculous does happen and England pile on the runs, this test match will be a draw. The wicket at The Oval is where Surrey play their county cricket, the very same wicket upon which Surrey have played a number of first class matches this year, all of which have ended in a draw. A draw will mean that the convicts get to keep the ashes.

I actually hope I am totally wrong about this but I highly doubt it. Come the end of the series it will be Australia who will retain the ashes.